Your Life as a Statistic

***WARNING! This post contains cynicism and irreverent humour. If that sort of thing offends you, I suggest you do not read any further. If you do read on, please note that this is all said in jest!***

I have now been in Japan for a few months and am growing quite accustomed to being here. The other day I wondered what life holds for me back in Australia. Since I wasn't blessed with the powers of prophecy, I decided to consult the website of the Australian Bureau of Statistics to get some idea of what awaits the average Australian like myself. So here it is: your life as a statistic!

Now if you're living in Australia, I’m guessing you were born there since 73.4% of Australians were. If you were born overseas, you are probably a Pom, in which case, please be assured we have heard all jokes about Australians and convicts already!

You grew up with 0.9 of a sibling. Along with 74.3% of your school chums you finished high school but like 77% of people you didn't get a bachelor's degree. Who wants a higher education debt any way?

You decide to work in the private sector since you thought that would be more lucrative than being a public servant. Alas, you end up earning $65,535.60 per year while the bloke next door, who works full time in the public service, pulls $74,521.20. You ask yourself why he earns more than you despite the fact he works less hours, bears no business risk and continuously claims he is being under-paid.

At the age of 31.5, it dawns on you that your salary alone is insufficient to service a mortgage, so you decide to get married. Your wife is 29.3 years old because the 18 to 25-year-old spouses in the mail-order catalogue were beyond your budget.

At age 33 you realise you will need someone to look after you in your old age (or at least visit you once a year at the old folks home), so you have your first child. This proves to be a great mistake. The horrendous costs of providing the essentials of life (e.g. food, shelter, iPhone, PlayStation, bail payments, etc.) makes your already parlous financial situation even more difficult. To make matters worse, contraception fails a few years later and you are burdened with another 0.9 of a child. You curse the fact you never got a vasectomy.

After 12.3 years of marriage, you awake one morning to find that your wife has run off with a sailor. You're not surprised given that 41.2% of marriages end in divorce. Besides, the “love and honour” warranty you were given by the mail-order company was only valid for the first 90 days.

Years pass. The labours of being a single-parent slowly take their toll. You become overweight like 61.4% of Australians and depressed like 20%. You turn to drinking to cure your blues consuming 2.6 drinks per day (which is almost as many as your 15-year-old son consumes … on a school night).

You remark to yourself that this is truly a dog's life then later learn that the average Australian dog has $2,395 per year spent on it. When was the last time anyone spent $2,395 on you?

After 73.9 years, you succumb to an ischaemic heart attack. In your final moments, your life flashes before your eyes, and you realise that your existence was, in every sense, truly average.

Thank you for reading and take care.

Our Man in Japan.